Something Light

Unscrupulous individuals give ‘something light’ a bad name. You know them. They consider eating two portions of pounded yam, each the size of a new born baby's head as something light. Simply because they usually eat eight portions, but are now down with malaria and have lost the inbuilt greed. The greedy ones have all been born.

We are here to claim light back from the darkness of crude greed. The light something is really a snack.  It is a portion of food that will not stretch the belly of a toddler. This is food that caresses the palate and makes the mouth yearn for more. Pepper soup, thin slices of paw paw, akara, few ground nuts and the like.

I must warn that when a Naija uses the word ‘something’ in reference to food, they are lying at worst or being vague and misleading at best. Like the guy who is invited to join someone eating a meal who says, ‘thanks, I have just had something’. The fact that he strokes his abdomen as he speaks and looks at the plate with disgust betrays his hunger. Naijaz are never vague when it comes to food and might even give unwanted details. Offer some people a drink and they tell you how full they are by not only listing the meals they have had in the last twenty hours, but they throw in the genealogy of the goat that featured in the pepper soup.

Snacks which are also called small chops are the real light somethings. Naijaz have incorporated foods from all over the world in the creation of our small chops list but I will concern myself with snacks which can best be described as authentic Naija food.

There is no place like a Naija wedding for understanding the importance of small chops. The affairs tend to run late because of circumstances beyond anyone’s control,  and it seems the late arrival of key participants is always linked to a hair dresser. So you leave the church and take photographs then it is off to the wedding reception.

With everyone hungry, people are ushered to various tables. Like it is in FIFA World Cup Groups there is always that Group of death. The table that devours its inhabitants because there is a super hungry guy with a prominent Adam’s apple sitting there. The type of guy Fela sang about in the song Kalakuta show.

Look di man he dey waka

Hunger dey run for im face (woko -woko woko –woko)

Once seated at this table the lateness continues and the DJ tries his best to help you forget your hunger by making you deaf. Then the small chop bowls arrive, Halleluyah! Then malt drinks with no bottle top openers. Now due to politeness no one wants to be the first to make a move for the snacks and the gentlemen will usually offer the bowls of finger foods to the ladies. But not on the table of death and starvation. The super hungry man just reaches out both hands as big as shovels and grabs all the puff puff. Next he brings out his bottle opener from his bunch of 20 keys (which includes a miniature pen knife), and opens two bottles of malt for himself! At this stage the wise people excuse themselves and seek another table.

The small chops are used to keep you hanging on while you endure stale jokes from the MC that you have read on your WhatsApp groups years ago. That is till the main food arrives; Party Jollof Rice.

Here is a list of the life -saving snacks that keep Naijaz from fainting at weddings and parties operating on African time

 Puff puff

Small, tasty and just like Bonny Light, easily processed, this snack is the King of all Naija finger foods. Couples that had no puff puff at their wedding reception need to go and remarry themselves. It is made from frying a mixture of plain wheat flour, oil and dried yeast till it becomes golden brown.  

Chin Chin

This crunchy snack that comes in small hard cubes is prepared from deep frying dough made up of plain flour and margarine. This snack should come with a health warning. The hard granite like cubes of goodness can break a tooth or dislocate a jaw bone. All dignity is lost as the jaws are converted into a pressurised grinding machine causing the chin to vibrate at an astounding frequency. Maybe this chin action gives the snack its name.

While on the topic of losing dignity we might as well go there.

Sugar cane

I call this the snack of madness. A country eats all its sugar cane and imports sugar? It is messy to eat and spit out. People look like Panda’s eating bamboo when they feast on sugar cane. It is child abuse to have kids clear up the mess after adults have eaten this snack. Worse comes when the sugar ants congregate on the messy left overs. Thank goodness no one has been mad enough to serve this Bamboo look-a-like at a wedding ceremony.

Nuts

Ground nuts and guguru (popcorn) keep the mouth busy and keeps hope alive while waiting for that Party Jollof rice. The only problem here is people dip their fingers in the nuts and some fall back into the bowl. Now I have been to parties and seen how some people wash their hands in the loo. Enough said.

Akara

Bean cakes are Naija’s equivalent of hot crossed buns. They have the powers to ginger you out of your lethargic on a cold harmattan morning especially when there is Ogi (Pap) to assist it in the journey down that dark tunnel that leads to the stomach. It is made from frying blended beans which has been spiced to taste.  

Plantain Trilogy

Fried thin slices of unripe plantain are called Ipkekere (Plantain chips) and when ripe plantain is fried it is called Dodo. Roast plantain is Boli. Dodo goes well with rice, yam and moin moin.

Meats

Snails, gizzards, suya and kilishi (dried beef) can be used as starters before the main meal.

Miscellaneous

Other snacks which are usually not available in weddings but can be obtained from road side food vendors include, Suya, Roasted or boiled Maize alongside Coconut, fried yams and various fruits such as oranges, agbalumo, banana  mangoes and pears.

Kuli kuli which is fried peanut paste is popular for some as is coconut candy. Some snack on Tapioca and other love termites and maggots off the palm trees.

Mosa which is fried mash plantain mixed with eggs, pepper and flour is eaten in Northern Nigeria.

Summary.

For some, anything that is not Swallow is something light. People like this never waste time with snacks. The party starts for them when the swallow arrives. We hope and pray that something light will appear at the end of their dark tunnel of deception one day.