Lost without a trace (Cutlery Saga)

A workman is only as good as the tools he has to work with. I must have been about six or seven when my father decided his children needed cutlery sets with their initials engraved on them. This was both a gift and a trap for you dare not turn up at the dinner table without your personalised tools. Alas, with time the utensils disappeared and it would have been totally impossible for anyone to suggest a place that Sherlock Holmes could start the investigations for their recovery even if he was brought back from his fictional resting place. That same Bermuda Triangle that roamed across Nigeria making monthly menstrual periods disappear causing a population explosion in its wake also had designs on our dinner table utensils.

Like a dark cloud that hung over the nation, this triangle took life and properties with ease. Fela sang about the Unknown Soldier, Unknown Police and the Unknown civilian which all added up to an Unknown government. In boarding school in Kaduna I had a junior student who brought my cutlery set to the dining Hall and gave them to me. He came after eating to collect the set for washing. (A Form One Boy sent to school for academic development). Why I couldn’t just carry my own shining silver service by myself, I would never know.

One day I found him bewildered. He looked after six seniors and had gotten all their utensils mixed up. He had lost mine and was holding the last set which was meant for him. He cried to the teacher when I took his to eat with. I got a warning and lost my utensils. That triangle of evil had struck again.

Unfortunately for me I have been unable to lose that cloud that steals cutlery in every house I have ever lived in. You buy a shining selection of plates which may be anything from 32 to 40 pieces and slowly but surely the population dwindles till you are left with just one bowl. You suspect that those who live with you are selling choice plates on eBay but you just cannot prove it.

The cutlery set is sweetest to use on the first day. Absolutely new and shining, you see your reflection on the concave spoon before diving into the hot stew. Like after the honeymoon period, it is downhill from then on. The teaspoons always go first. From six to one and then suddenly you notice two teaspoons that were not even in the original set. Perhaps there might be a sort of redistribution process by the Bermuda triangle evil spirits.

Next the spoons start to go down in number. Those with children blame them. I once had to open a video recorder that stopped working only to find a complete set of spoon, knife and forks. Very young children love to throw things in the bin. After the yoghurt is gone, sending them to ‘throw it away’ could lead to both the empty plastic container and the spoon going into the bin. One of my kids once loved throwing utensils and plantain out of the first floor kitchen window. This landed in a garden I didn’t have access to. We found out by chance when we caught the perpetrator in the act.   

Family members who eat in their rooms sometimes would prefer either forks or spoons. The type of person who takes food to the bedroom usually would not take a full compliment of cutlery on a tray to the room and then return promptly to wash the dishes as soon as the meal is finished. Rather the plate might be held in transit for one to two days and finally return to the kitchen with the spoon left somewhere under the bed as a holiday home for fungi and bacteria. In the end you can be left with six knives and nothing else. To avoid this from happening a new cutlery set is bought. When that happens, the family rushes to the new shining utensils ignoring the old and the Bermuda triangle strikes. With time the population of the old and new utensils are the same. It is inevitable that things will get lost in Nigeria and in Nigerian homes. That is probably why salaries should be paid monthly. There is always need to stock up on food and cutlery. The breakdown of home appliances sometimes reunites you with teaspoons long forgotten. The electrician comes in and pulls out the fridge and there are spoons everywhere. Moving house is the ultimate revelation of lost things. There are always cutlery and coins to be picked up when the cupboards get moved.

Unfortunately some people are just thieves. They visit you for the night and steal cutlery. We once had a relative stay with us for a few months and the night before his departure my mum went through his bags without a warrant. That bag packed in so much Bermuda triangle capabilities it could have housed the snake that swallowed the N36 Million Naira. There was nothing he had not stolen.  From cutleries to family photographs he was not even in. Perfumes, bars or soap and various trivial that showed he had been save-stealing for up to a month prior to his departure date. He deserved an Oscar for actually stealing the envelope with his name written on it that contained the money which was his farewell gift.

So long as there is that sweet aroma of food there would be cutlery waiting for skilful hands to work that magic of eating for sustenance and enjoyment.

There has to be a better way for one cannot condemn the next generation to this losing culture of today. This year alone, apart from losses Nigeria has endured in the brain drain department, there has been world cup match losses, national revenue disappearances, and even more monthly menstrual periods vanishing thus consigning us to that position of the most populated place in Africa.

The only way forward is to embrace technology; cutlery with computer chips so that they can be tracked electronically. That way, when food is ready and there are only knives around, the smart phone can locate where the Bermuda Triangle spirits have hidden the rest of the cutlery.