Nigerian Bald Heads Inc

The hair thins out in men with the advancement of age. In what seems like a peace treaty had been signed by the eyes and the hair guaranteeing that the eyes are never obstructed by locks of hair, a slow receding of the hair line starts that sometimes ends up in the hair completely evacuating the head completely.

Some guys sink into deep depression at the first sight of a receding hair line but that is not the Naija way. When told by taller people that a small ‘Victoria Island’ is forming on the top of the head, the Naija man is most likely to respond with, ‘Ehen?’ When pressed further as to why Androgenic Alopecia does not bother him all you get is, ‘who hair epp?’

A popular Naija artiste once sang about fine boy wey no get money

Men seem to be judged by others including themselves by what they bring to the table; cash, experience and skills. Unfortunately ladies are judged on appearance but that is another story.  The male grooming business is not worth much as the guys have other things on their minds. Things like air-conditioned jeeps to shield the head from the blazing sun which is preferable to a full head of hair and forming fine boy with no pimples or crash helmet on the back of Okada.

The architects of Naija traditional fashion were prophetic in their designs.  Alas, big flowing agbadas garnished with delightful hats in one sartorial sweep conceals a balding hair and a big one protuberant abdomen. Who six pack epp?

Nosey women are distracted off the abdomen by the swinging walking sticks, fans or horse tails held in the right hand. It is hard to focus on a body part when the subject has something swinging back and forth. The same applies to the spraying of cash at a party. The next day when you ask invitees if that Baba spraying Dollars was bald or not, people don’t know.

The moral of the story is that if there is action and motion, no one cares for the presence or absence of hair.

I normally never think about hair but I recently started looking around ever since this topic came up at a gathering of old friends.  A week does not pass without me watching a certain preacher’s podcast and I never noticed their hair because I am usually focussing on what is being said. I actually had to check a picture of the preacher to see if he had hair or not. It does not matter if you have no hair!

Dwayne Johnson aka The Rock and the Basketballer Michael Jordan have no hair. I tend to focus on what they do.

Hair is not the most important thing above the neck. The brain is. I cannot recall any one with a brain injury or strokes (Cerebro-vascular accidents) complaining about going bald.

Who knows what the hair is for anyway? Maybe it gives men something to do; shaving and combing. There is an opportunity for self-expression like Pogba knows all too well and some Rastas have an attachment to their dreadlocks but by and large a man’s hair appears disposable. After the age of forty the follicles dry up.

The Holy Scriptures talk about hair in three men and it ends in tears. Samson was a man who had super herculean strength and lived with a little secret. His power came from his hair which as a Nazirite he never cut off. He told his secret to Delilah; spy who loved him. He lost his hair and eyes when the Philistines got him.

Absalom the Prince had swag.

 In all Israel there was not a man so highly praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom. From the top of his head to the sole of his foot there was no blemish in him. ²⁶ Whenever he cut the hair of his head—he used to cut his hair once a year because it became too heavy for him he would weigh it, and its weight was two hundred shekels by the royal standard (2.3 Kg).

His fame went to his head and he fought a war to steal the throne of his father David. He must have been too busy for a haircut before the battle for his hair got caught in the branches of an oak tree as he rode his mule. He was stabbed through the heart while suspended mid-air by the flowing locks he was famed for.

Finally the prophet Elisha did not take it well when the youth of Bethel greeted his arrival with shouts of ‘Baldy! Baldy!’

He cursed the jesters and two bears appeared from nowhere to maul the 42 youth into silence.

This proves that hair can be a touchy subject in some cultures. A Nigerian man however is more likely to curse if he was called ‘Poor man! Poor man! in the streets by kids rather than ‘Bald man! Bald man!’

Who hair epp?

It is status that worries the Nigerian male over forties. Address a Chief as Mister or a Reverend Doctor Professor as just Professor and he would ignore you as if his bald head has produced deafness as a side dish.

For some cultures where men take hair as part of their identity it can be a torment for them when the inevitable happens. A deep sense of loss is felt when they comb their hair and find more hair left on the comb than on the head.

The Nigerian is more pragmatic and also philosophical about these changes in life. The loss of youth is greeted with the arrival of wisdom and maturity. At a recent gathering of guys in their 50s I mentioned hair transplants and no one was interested. People just extend the shaving of their jaws to their scalp.

That ritual of going to the barbers with your personalised clippers however is hard for some men to let go of. They troop to the barbers shop weekly to cut phantom hairs and pay their fee. Its okay; they are helping the local economy.

People who worry about their baldness are usually the only ones who care. Steve Jobs had male pattern baldness but I never took any notice. He always spoke about Apple and when I looked at him I saw Apple. When self conscious people start to bridge bald areas with strands of hair it draws attention or worse still strange wigs that are a different colour from the eyes brows.

No matter what anyone does, hair will be here today and gone tomorrow.