Tuesday 18 April 2017

MISS MOST- WOWO PAGEANT (19-01-2009)



Dr Wilson Orhiunu
(Babawilly)
Babawill2000@gmail.com
 19-01-2009

Life is like a vapour….

Ologbo watched Dr Igo’s mouth move. He heard words which seemed intended for someone else.
‘Ologbo, do you understand?’ Dr Igo asked
‘Perhaps you have the wrong test results. It cannot be mine. I don’t even wear a beard’ Ologbo muttered in a throaty voice he barely recognized as his own.
No wonder the looks. Ologbo could have sworn he saw a look of pity in her eyes when the nurse showed him in. She gave him a cup of tea and biscuits. Others in the waiting room wondered why he had such special treatment.
Dr Igo had gone straight to the point. ‘I am afraid it is bad news. You have a rare form of Leukaemia; Hairy Cell Leukaemia’.
A huge book was opened up. It looked so large to Ologbo.
‘You are not even in the age group for HCL. That’s life’ said Doctor Igo who seemed to be reading the six o clock news. Bad news.

Outside the Igo Infirmary Ologbo had to hold back his urge to smash the windscreen of his Doctor’s Navigator jeep.

It wasn’t till he got to Isaiah’s flat that he broke down.
‘I only went for this lump under my chin and now this’ cried Ologbo.
Beers were ordered and the DVD player switched on. Isaiah got Ologbo talking after a few bottles and it didn’t seem so bad after all. At least there was treatment.
‘In three day time we see the haematologist. Till then we drink and drown our sorrow’ said Isaiah.

Laughter is like good medicine……  


They laughed till tears came out of their eyes. Isaiah slid off his chair and began to cough.
‘Of all the Leukaemia wey dey, na di byah-byah one you see carry’ said Isaiah gasping for air
‘Na wa o! When I no bi Santa Klaus’
Isaiah’s phone went off.
‘Hello. Commissioner for beard speaking’ he said. He soon staggered to the door.
‘You are drunk. I have been ringing that bell for twenty minutes’ said Egala.
‘My cousin, we are mourning. My friend here says he is going to die’ said Isaiah.
Egala ignored the drunk pair and took her suitcase to the bed room. She often turned up unannounced whenever she tired of the University Campus life.
‘If that your cousin was finer, I would have loved her’ said Ologbo to his friend.
‘Forget love. Drink and be merry’ replied Isaiah.
Egala had changed into something more comfortable and joined them in the cramped sitting room. She took the remote control and started the DVD from the beginning. It was a stand up comedy show.

Beauty is vain….
The first comedian joked about the difficulties of being ugly or ‘wowo’ as they preferred to call it. Each time the word ‘wowo’ was mentioned the audience was thrown into fits of laughter.
Four more comedians come on all making jokes at the ugly people. The camera zoomed on two girls who were definitely unattractive. These girls were obviously finding the jokes very funny indeed. That in turn caused Isaiah to slide back onto the floor laughing and choking.
Ologbo and Egala gave each other high fives.

If you laugh me, you dey laugh my God….

Isaiah regained his breath, ‘ this is immoral. I was brought up never to laugh at anyone’s anatomy’.
‘Pause the DVD make e no waste if una wan talk’ said Egala as she rushed out to the loo.
‘I wouldn’t laugh at a cripple or the deaf and blind but wowo jokes make me laugh. Didn’t you see those wowo girls in the DVD laughing?’ asked Ologbo.
‘What does it tell you about the state of the Nigerian mind when jokes about other people’s ugly faces gets the loudest laugh eh?’ asked Isaiah.
‘Tells me we all have no mirrors. Everyone thinks they are pretty. It is the neighbour who is wowo’ said Egala as she made her way back to her sit.
‘My wowo cousin is correct’ said Isaiah
‘You father wowo. Please press play make I laugh ojare’ said Egala as she sipped on her second bottle of beer.

Wetin your hand find to do; do am well-well. Dat grave wey you dey go so, working and planning no dey dia o….

It hung over them like a dark cloud the next day. A cheerless mist brimming with grief filled every room. Egala’s tears flowed freely ever since Isaiah had told her what Dr Igo had said. When they all sat for breakfast nobody eat. They moved their food about and avoided eye contact.
‘You guys are making me feel dead already’ said Ologbo when he couldn’t take the silence any more. ‘May be I better go home’.
‘No, wait. It is such a shock. I love you. We love you’ said Egala. She reached out to hold onto Ologbo’s hand across the table.
‘When will you tell your parents’ asked Isaiah.
‘Never. You know they are in poor health. I would most probably outlive them’ replied Ologbo.
‘Ologbo, should you want a child, I mean before chemotherapy. I don’t mind helping you out’ said Egala tentatively.
‘No, it is not that kind of chemo’
‘So you asked? I cannot believe you this boy. Someone gives you bad you and all you are worried about is your millionaire status’ said Isaiah.
‘I didn’t ask. Dr Igo was just trying to reassure me when he mentioned my millions of ‘little Ologbos’ were safe. I might not even need treatment for years’ said Ologbo.
‘Whatever. Remember, I will be right here waiting’ said Egala.
They began to eat in silence. Soon the dark cloud began to dissipate.
‘I thought of bearded revolutionaries before going to bed. They had no mirrors. Too busy to shave. Che Guevera, Fidel Castro and not forgetting General Odumegwu Ojukwu during the Biafrian war’. Ologbo looked at Egala as he spoke.
‘I find beards wowo in a man’ said Egala smiling.
‘You said last night that no one thinks they are wowo. I disagree’ said Ologbo.
‘I see we are all back on the wowo trail. What ever makes us happy. Cut!’ said Isaiah.
The friends gambled over ever argument. They linked little fingers and Egala separated their hands with a gentle Kung fu style chop. This signified a bet was on.
‘So what much?’ said Ologbo.
‘I bet you 60 thousand that we find twenty women who will agree they are wowo in 2 hours’ said Isaiah.
‘You have lost your money. No woman will agree that she is wowo. I should know’ said Egala
‘Done deal. My risk aversion days are over. Come to think of it, how many more days do I have left sef?’ said Ologbo.
‘Please don’t talk like that my dear’ said Egala.
They worked out the details of the bet over what was left of their breakfast. An advert was composed and handed over to Egala. Egala’s best friend was in a relationship with a Newspaper editor. She would get him to run an advert the next day.

Entries for the Miss Most Wowo pageant invited. First prize 5 MILLION NAIRA.
Ring the number below for application forms.
‘I will be 60 thousand richer tomorrow’ said Isaiah rubbing his hands gleefully as they all made their way to the Newspaper office.

The race is not to the quick nor the battle to the strong. Time and chance happens…  


That night Egala went crazy in the kitchen. An eight course dinner for three she had said. A few neighbours came knocking.
‘Party dey?’ one asked.
‘No. Na evening food we dey prepare’ replied Isaiah. The frying and baking sent distant signals. Even houses across the road could smell it.
Isaiah worried at the first phone call. Someone at the Newspaper printing press wanted information on how she could get four forms for the wowo pageant.
There were four more calls in quick succession.
‘Ologbo, have you organized chicks to ring this number so that you can win the bet?’ asked Isaiah.
‘I would not do that. But the paper is not out. What’s going on?’ asked Ologbo.
They both went into the kitchen to tell Egala about the calls.
‘Are you surprised? How much do those suffer- head girls earn at that printing press? They want free 5 million’ said Egala dismissively.
They eat like royalty that night. Then they watched the stand up comics. They laughed at the impersonations, the farting jokes, the rich man poor man jokes, the Ajebuta-Ajepako jokes and most of all, they laughed at the wowo jokes.
By 7 o clock the next morning it was obvious that Ologbo had won the bet. By 12 o clock they knew they were onto a winner. It seemed the whole world wanted to be wowo for 5 million Naira. The phone never stopped.
Ologbo’s diagnosis was temporarily ignored. Egala complained of a right sided abdominal pain and was told to shut up by her cousin. This was business.
Every penny they had in their bank accounts was withdrawn and they hired a chauffeur driven car for the week.
Next they went to the Newspaper office and took out a full paged advert. This time stating that application forms will go for 5 thousand Naira. Egala got the Editor to do a feature on Wowo Factor Productions, the name they coined while waiting outside the editor’s office.
Egala was on fine form during the interview.
A series of events made them all millionaires in 5 days. First the sale of application forms went through the roof. They signed deals with a production company that owned its own TV station and with a Mobile phone network company. TV audience voting was written into the blue print for the grand finals of the  Miss Most Wowo pageant.
They  went to see the haematologist together. The news was not as bad as they had expected.
He said they would be watching out for Anaemia and infections. He spoke about Interferon but the threesome had other things on their minds. Money.
Next day it was in the papers.
Wowo Factor Productions chief  given 6 months to live.
‘Going together was a mistake. Drew too much attention. Trust the press to miss- inform’ said Ologbo.
‘It’s your parents you should be thinking about. Its time you went home’ said Isaiah.


Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint.

Ologbo’s diagnosis turned out very good for business. 12,000 applicants had to be auditioned. The nation stopped in wonder. Every night girls and women tried hard to convince the panel that they deserved to be in the final twelve. The ratings went through the roof. There was even talk of the show being sold to other countries.
Egala, Isaiah and Ologbo were now being dubed as ‘the famous three’ in the press. Ologbo was the kind heart. Isaiah the cute looking one who was only there for the money and Egala ran things. She dismissed contestants with her acerbic –‘you are too cute to be wowo. Get out’.
 Someone in the TV company had an idea for a spin off. The plan was to ensure that only obese girls with ‘reversible factors’ as cause for their wowo-ness made it into the last twelve. They would then be entered into another reality TV programme that involved an intensive weight  reduction programme and plastic surgery.
A plastic surgeon and dentist were drafted in anonymously from South African to choose the final twelve. ‘The famous three’ just sat there pretending there was a method to the insanity. To please the viewing public each of the major tribal groups in the country was to be represented in the finals; that is the Yoruba, Igbo and Hausa.
Things went well for four weeks of live television till Angel turned up.
Angel was an 18 year old with left sided facial scars from an incident with hot oil and a careless mother. She needed the cash for plastic surgery.
Egala didn’t like the look her.
‘Turn and let me see your right profile’ said Egala. She bit her biro for a few seconds as she studied this contestant’s perfect figure.
‘Too cute to be wowo. Get out’ she said. Most contestants walked off instantly but not Angel.
‘What do you know about scars?’ asked Angel.
Egala stood and lifted her blouse to reveal her appendicectomy scar.
‘You’ve seen it now clear off. You no wowo, just unfortunate’ said Egala.
‘I have been scarred from the age of six. Everone looks at me like I am a freak show. I really cannot afford plastic surgery’ said Angel.
‘Too cute. Abeg commot’ replied Egala.
When Angel turned to walk away Isaiah suddenly woke up. ‘Wonderful. She has stuffed two pillows in her jeans’.
‘Not just one-derful but two-derful. Abeg Egala lets call her back’ implored Ologbo.
They argued for a while but Egala put her foot down. That night they had a record number of phone calls calling for Angel to be brought back. The people won.
On the way back home Egala complained about her tummy aches. ‘It is just over my appendicectomy scar’ she said.
‘You are a real show off. Imagine flashing your scar on live TV’ teased Ologbo
‘Egala, I think we should go and see Dr Igo’ said Isaiah.
‘Forget that. If Ologbo can work with Leukaemia what is a belly ache eh? I will take Paracetamol’ replied Egala.

Better is the end of a matter than the beginning.

The grand final of the Miss Most wowo pageant broke all previous viewing records. Ologbo and Isaiah had insisted on their favourite comedian to kick things off. He was none other than Lagos Boy.
As he walked on stage, he surveyed the contestants and looked away with a frown.
‘My friend Chidi dey bite finger as im wife no gree contest. Una think say these ones wowo. Make una see Chidi wife picture’ said Lagos boy as he unfolded a picture of a smiling chimpanzee for the camera.
‘This is the only chance you will have in your life to make your vote count, so if you no get credit abeg go tief’. The studio audience were falling over each other laughing.
‘Many countries hook up tonight so make I no talk too much. But una understand. Counting na our weak point. Census sef, we no know how many we be. They say the men are more than the women. E bi laik dem no count wowo girls!’ joked Lagos Boy looking into one of the cameras.
Ologbo looked at Egala who was not laughing.
‘Aren’t you enjoying this?’ he asked
‘It is my tummy. The pain’ said Egala.
‘As soon as the show is over we will get you to a Doctor’ said Ologbo
Beads of sweat were beginning to appear on Egala’s forehead.
‘Ologbo, I am afraid’ she whispered.


Beautiful you are. Your eyes are like doves.
                                                                                   
Angel won in the end. Her belly dancing nailed it. She wore a veil and her eyes looked beautiful.
Egala’s protest about the show degenerating into a beauty contest brought jeers from the live audience.
When the votes were finally rounded up Angel was ahead by 10 million votes. By then Egala was already on her way to hospital.

Life is like a vapour..

The head line story the next day was unbelievable. Many thought it was a gimmick of some sort.

Egala dies on the operating table.

The confusion reached boiling point when a radio station claimed she has died from complications relating to  perforated appendicitis.
At one stage during the day a government minister was quoted as saying ‘Wowo factor Productions were toying with the nation’s emotions and causing under stress in the name of entertainment’.

That evening Igo infirmary was subjected to an arson attack and Dr Igo went into hiding. His house was also burnt down by unknown people.

The next day Wowo Factor productions called a press conference. Ologbo and Isaiah looked in a bad way. They wore black.
First to speak was the surgeon who operated on Egala. He said he had diagnosed appendicitis and proceeded to operate. Egala’s scar was only skin deep. It was too late by the time they did the operation. Septicaemia had set in.
The pathologist who had performed the post mortem confirmed the cause of death as septicaemia secondary to a perforated appendicitis.
‘What exactly is going on here?’ asked a bewildered journalist. Most people had watched Egala reveal her appendicectomy scar on TV.
The state commissioner of police spoke up.
‘Dr Igo is a fraud. He put people to sleep, cut their skin and stitched up. We learnt he has performed over  two thousand of such operations. He has also been falsely diagnosing people with Hairy Cell Leukaemia and then charging his patients millions for Interferon Alpha treatment. His accomplice, a haematologist, has confessed to the scam. All they do is write Interferon on Saline infusions and deceive the public. We also learnt that though Dr Igo took blood samples for which he charged extortionately, the samples never made it to any lab. He threw them in his bin and made up a blood report’.
‘Any comments from Mr Ologbo?’ asked a reporter.
‘What do you want me to say? I thought I had Leukaemia but didn’t. Egala thought she did not have an appendix any more but she had. Dr Igo has betrayed our trust. Now Egala is no more. She has left this wowo world’ said Ologbo with tears streaming down his face.





                                                        THE END

                                                        




No comments:

Post a Comment