Crowd-Chopping

Crowd -Chopping is the consumption of a vast amount of food by many participants who each contribute their appetites and stomach volumes to the cause. So come with healthy appetites while others come equipped with greed but in the end the job gets done. My thoughts are inclined to whether it should be a one-man-one-plate arrangement ala One man one Machete by TM Aluko or a group around the plate ala Man-of-the-people arrangement by Prof Chinua Achebe.

Proponents of communal eating  warn those who eat alone by citing the dreaded eat alone and die alone adage. This saying is guaranteed to make a superstitious Naija person share what they have. I am all for sharing but I no more like sharing plates with people the way I used to do.

Nigerians are great believers in sharing food. Even before the food is fully cooked we love to stare at food in groups and just drool. I have watched Nigerians queue for food at parties and at Bukas and it is always the same. All phones off, glasses on and everyone stares longingly. Even great proselytes who proclaim that they walk by faith and not by sight find their resolve weakens at the sight of a pot of steaming jollof rice. Not only do they stare as one hypnotised but they develop laser sharp focus on the food.

There are places on the streets at night where you find Naijaz zombified and gazing longingly;  at the Suya man’s grill, by the mama’s hot oil pot in the street corner frying yams, dodo and akara and at the local Mama put where the whole queue stretch their necks as those in front of them are served from the pot of stew. Mama puts are bizarre. The Mama spreads her legs apart with the pot of stew in front of her and holds the plate of the customer.

‘Which meat you want?’

Strange but true but the customer points at a piece of meat. How is the choice made?!

 Sometimes it takes ages to get that particular piece centred on the spoon and transferred to the plate under watchful eyes. A sense of unity and bonding forms among all those who eat from the same pot. No wonder that the Super Eagles and Party Jollof rice are the ties that bind Nigerians together; the secret source of our unity. Remove these two elements and everyone becomes tribal and only favours their ‘native soup and tongue’. Some learner thinks that Naija men look at women took much. Queuing for Jollof and eating it takes 40 minutes. A football match is 90 minutes. No one has looked at a Naija woman for 40 minutes before not to talk of a full 90 minutes with extra time.

Now we have established we love to share and stare at food, I would give my own sharing history. I recall sharing everything with my sister. Tough meat had to be divided with the teeth (with eyes shut tight). That was the culture then. Any friend eating anything must share it. It got so bad that even the chewing gum in the mouth was begged for despite protestations from the chewer that ‘e no sweet again’.

It didn’t improve in University. People drank bottles of Coke and Beer with friends who all put it straight to the mouth.

I mostly ate from my own plate on the dinner table growing up. There were no gatherings around food sitting on mats. The traditional Nigerian gathering around food has so much to admire. Sitting on a mat on the floor to eat for one keeps the hips supple into old age. Just like the village square under the moonlight had everybody out sitting and dancing the family evening meal brought every one out and stories about the day in the farm could be shared.

Now I eat alone. I am still the official dust bin for my youngest son so if he spits out any food he does not fancy it is my job to catch it and eat it (Too lazy to walk over to the bin).

Sharing a plate with one is manageable in some circumstances. Sharing with two to five people is no problem so long as it is a snack. I however don’t like to be the one who took the last biscuit. That is usually the one everyone touched. Using the loo in parties is instructive. Handing washing is not a particular priority for some who then bounce out to shake all hands and pick at finger food. And while on the topic, buying food and drinks off street vendors on Lagos roads is like registering for Typhoid Infection. These guys must drink during the course of the day and with no public toilets or running water in their ‘office’ one does not need a degree in microbiology from Harvard to understand the threat to health posed by these guys.

Another problem with Crowd Chopping is the start off food quantity is large and this generates a lot of salivation in the participants. There is zeal to get the work done quickly so the pace is fast. Experienced Crowd Choppers have cooling facilities in their hands and mouths and have no problem cutting eba at 60 degrees centigrade and tossing it in the hands to cool it off. The pepper soon gets in the nose and the squeezing starts. Bits of food get repatriated back to the plate in a parachute of saliva and sod’s law suggests that someone else will eat that food recently exiled from someone else’s mouth. There might be add ons; Hepatitis A, Typhoid, and various other Gastroenteritis inducing viruses and bacteria in the exiled tiny food portion.

Finger nails can be a problem in Communal eating especially the nail extensions that harbour independent soveign states of Bacteria. May sound like bleachism but it would totally freak me out to look into the ‘yellow Fanta face’ of a beautiful co-eater then look down at the pounded yam and see that the same yellow fine girl is the proud owner of a totally dark skinned flaky hand with red long finger nails. I might panic and call the police.

So in summary, food should that rightful place as the centre of Naija People’s attention, attraction and affection but while we continue our sharing culture let it be a one-woman-one-plate arrangement