Babawilly For President
Every living Nigerian is a potential member of the Dead
Nigerians Society. There are no enrolment fees or class barriers to gaining a
membership number. Just like a plane on a runway knows it has limited time to
get up to speed and take off, every living Nigerian knows he or she would soon
run out of that chronological runway called time. Among the society members,
the chosen few have their faces on the Naira but for the rest, a tombstone will
do. The society grows in numbers daily.
King Afilaka the Third
What an abomination! Why bring such a topic to the royal
palace? Are you not aware that my subjects greet me by saying, ‘O King, live
forever?’ Anyway, since you have
mentioned that word, I will make a few comments.
I think it is really unfair that I would one day depart to
the land of my forefathers without any means of taking the Rolls Royce and
Bentley with me. That is my one and only quarrel with Eledumare. That I a King
will troop out of this world along-side area boys and even road side mechanics is
totally absurd. I even hear that on the other side no one would bow down to
greet me in the usual manner in which I have grown accustomed to as a royal
father.
It is a lonely trip to the other side. My beautiful Oloris (wives) who fight to
travel abroad with me whenever one of my chiefs makes his private plane and
Manhattan mansion available to me, these my pretty darlings, they will all
refuse to go on the flight out of this world with me. They will follow me to the ends of the earth
but stop short at my grave side. May I not join that society for many years.
Amin.
Mazi Owerri
Bros. Welcome to the palace of Mazi Owerri. Death? That is a
business opportunity my friend. I have four mortuaries in this Owerri and I
plan to expand but the cost of diesel is crippling the business.I am sure you
know we have our generators on round the clock. I also manufacture quality
caskets to suit any pocket. Do you know a customer of mine last week had the
most expensive outing of their lives in one of my quality casket last week?
This was a man who never travelled on holidays because he claimed money was
tight. He died and money stopped being tight. I made good money off his ‘befitting
burial’. But bros, I cannot stand the funerals of women who died giving birth.
And worse still are the funerals for babies. The government should do something
about the state of health care for our women and children. Whenever parents
come to request caskets for babies I end up crying. Me, Mazi Owerri, crying
like a child in the market in front of my boys. When they bring out money to pay, I tell them
to leave it. Me, stingy Mazi Owerri.
Another one that pains me is people in the prime of their
lives deported to that dreaded society. Samuel Okwaraji is a case in point. I was at the National Stadium, Lagos
in 1987 when he died during a football match. I have not been able to watch a
live football match ever since. Even the televised matches can be a problem for
me as I jump out of my seat every time a player goes down. The government must do
something about the non-existent emergency health care service.
Sultan of Malali
You southerners have nothing better to do. If your time is
up and you go what is the problem? Anyway, as for this society, I do not
believe it exists. It is just a made up story by you people. There is however an ECOWAS society of dead
infidels but I have no more comments of that.
Since you have mentioned child members of your fictional
society, I would say it is a crying shame that we have a government not
concerned about the number of women and babies we lose in child birth. The sole
responsibility of government is the provision of health, education and security
for the next generation. When I listen
to their political campaigns I hear a lot about salt, rice and money changing
hands but very little about their policies.
I will humour you however. If such a society exists and I become
privileged to enrol at a ripe old age, on arrival I will walk straight to Awo,
Zik and Tafawa Balewa and shake their hands. I respect these men a great deal.
Next, I will walk over to Sir Ahmadu
Bello and prostrate before him.
Babawilly
Dr Wilson Orhiunu
14/9/2014
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