Greek and Roman Juju

The dominant culture has a monopoly on history. They also name everything to their liking. Just look at the Greeks with their mythology. Every planet is named after a Greek or Roman juju. (Is mythology not juju?)

Apart from the Earth, the Sun and Moon, the Greek and Roman jujus have a name on every rotating lump of stone. For an example just look at Neptune a name the Romans gave to the Greek juju of the seas and earthquakes that had Poseidon on his original birth certificate.

There are planets called Venus the Roman goddess of beauty, Mars the Roman god of war (if a relative of Mars bar chocolate I will eat no more), Saturn the Roman god of agriculture, Jupiter the chief juju of all Roman jujus and his Greek counterpart Uranus. (Who is to say that Jupiter and Uranus are not the same person holding two passports illegally?)

Pluto has little light being so far from the sun and it is also called Hades. This planet is named after the Roman god of the dark underworld. Nigerians would have called Pluto by a better name which is Nepa (Defunct National Electric Power Authority).

Mercury is the Roman god of travel, commerce and 419. Mercury’s nickname is Hermes (Please check the prices of Hermes bags).

On the day these names were chosen someone looked at these planets and felt that they reminded him of mythological figures. Now the whole world has to call these planets that belong to no nation on Earth names dictated to them by the ones living in the dominant culture of the day.

Well we can change the names as they are not set in stone. And while on the topic of stones, how in the world did a Mountain in Morocco acquire a name like Atlas mountain? I grew up thinking that some poor fellow on crutches had walked for months to the summit and on getting there screamed, ‘Here at last, here at last, thank God almighty I am here at last’. (Apologies to MLK.Jnr).

Imagine my dismay to find out that Atlas was not derived from ‘at last’ but was named after Atlas, the cursed Titan who lead the battle against the gods of Olympus and lost. The loser Titan was sent to Africa to hold up the sky. He had a child called Calypso and for some strange reason Perseus wanted to make sure Atlas never left his post, so he showed him the severed head of Medusa which turned him into stone; the present day Atlas Mountains.

This is how dysfunctional European gods are deported to Africa to bring bad luck! Just imagine Africans travelling to the Alps and renaming Mont Blanc Mountain Shango. Yet we have names in Africa like Lake Victoria and Victoria Island. For what? These names need changing and don’t even tell me it would be a Herculean task.

I just cannot get over the fact that Atlas the Titan god of endurance and astronomy has a Mountain in Africa. I move that we temporarily rename that mountain Mount Viagra (endurance and seeing stars no ni) till we can come up with a better name. Those Moroccans sef. Dem just siddon dey look.

Another thing is the West African coast line has the Atlantic Ocean on its doorstep. Dis Atlas rig election abi na wetin? How did he acquire a Mountain and an ocean? We might as well call it Shiloh Ocean or Yemoja Ocean but we just have to drop this Atlantic name.

Back to the planets, I have some suggestions. Venus could be changed to Osun second wife of the former the Oba of Oyo called Shango. I hear she was a beauty Queen in her day. Jupiter can be called Orunmila, a Nigerian juju of Wisdom and medical know how who must have gone to Harvard and Uniben. The rest of the planets and their moons and stars can be named after the twelve tribes of Israel. Come to think of it, Angels Michael and Gabriel should get a planet each. (I know you have all read Scramble for Africa by Thomas Pakenham. Well the scramble just went into outer space. You are witnessing the scramble for the Solar system by Babawilly).

Apart from the planets the Greek jujus have cornered sports. The biggest sporting event in the world is named after the hangout of Zeus, Hermes, Aphrodite, Apollo et al which was Mount Olympus. If I could change the world, I would make the games the Blessing games. As for space travel out of the USA, Apollo seems to have cornered that market. In his day Apollo was a healer and was famed to have daily moved the Sun across the sky in his four wheeled chariot (he didn’t tell anyone that the Sun was static while the Earth revolved around it).

The world has many peoples and beliefs and this should be reflected in the naming of heavenly landmarks. I for one do not want the heavens above my head named after jujus.

And while I am at it, that is my complaining mood, just what is the point of having Egyptian corpses on display in the British Museum.

Egyptian mummies? I am not interested in looking as their dead bodies. A write up and photographs will do. Now who in today’s world goes into a country to exhume their royal corpses, then take the ‘dead body illegal aliens’ into a foreign land with no passports. Every country has its royal graves and no one is allowed to exhume them just because they have bright and wonderful coffins. That is not scientific study but grave raiding. But if the countries involved decide to have a bilateral agreement allowing Kings, Chiefs, Obas, Pharaohs’ and Queens to be dug up and displayed in museums around the world, the people will call for a referendum. Rest in peace should mean just that.

University drop-outs, drop-ins and Drive-by schoolings

27 February 2014 at 21:44

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University drop-outs, drop-ins and Drive-by schoolings.

I come from Nigeria where we love to see letters before and after our names. The problem is that letters come from Universities and study is both time consuming and mentally tasking. Why read when you can Azonto? Pepper souping, point and killing, shacking Gulder and watching Barcelona FC are much more relaxing in the tropical heat abi? Give lazy and creative people a task and consider it done. Viola we have invented the solutions namely a. Drive by schooling (Honorary certificates from Bitter leaf league Colleges) b. Creative CV writing AKA lying. C. Exaggeration (you drove past the gates of Unilag and a Doctorate in Philosophy flew into the back seat with your name written on it AKA your miracle will locate you). D. Grab your copy! Just e-mail a bogus university on line, pay the fee and grab your Doctorate AKA if you cannot make it, Fake it). All the above are examples of University drop-ins. Gate crashers to the party of the intellectually gifted.

Now for someone who has been called Doctor since 1987, some might say I have forgotten what it is like to have no title. That is true. I am indeed a titled man and perhaps I lack empathy with those which a strong desire for titles (every Nigerian). I for one know that there is a price to pay for my title and it also comes with prestige and responsibilities. However, since prestige is sweet, many want the pleasantness of prestige but do not what to pay the intellectual prize. Reading old Nigerian newspapers can be an eye opener. In the 1970s almost everyone was a Mr or Mrs apart from the clergy and members of the armed forces. In today’s print media everyone has a title. Dr Gala, Prof Gala, Ambassador Gala, Otunba Gala, Chief Gala, Engineer Gala, Mechanic Gala, Rev Gala, Street Beggar Gala, First Lady Gala, and then you get the crazy combos- Prof, Engineer, Snorer, Millionaire, Otunba, Double Chief, BMW owner, Senator, Aspiring Billionaire Gala. Fitting names and titles onto business cards has become an art form. My friends tell me of a time they sat pepper souping at a bar and one of them was bitten by a mosquito. The victim slapped hard at his forearm but missed. He looked sad about this for he felt cheated of his precious blood. ‘That stupid mosquito escaped’ he lamented. My friends all swear that the mosquito on hearing the insult flew back and began to shout at the victim thus, ‘I no blame you. Na me suck your nonsense blood nau. See your dirty mouth. Do you know who I am? Never you call me mosquito in your life again. I am Elder Mosquito Esquire. Next time address me correctly. Nonsense’!

So you see my predicament when I am confronted with people who are University drop-outs. I just cannot get my head around it. Nigerians are so desperate for University drop ins and that is what I am used to. In my university days you couldn’t even approach your parents to ask to take a year off talk less of dropping out. Now, it has become alarmingly common to drop out.

Dropping out is made somewhat acceptable in the eyes of some when they consider the men of substance who dropped out of Universities and went on to make a name for themselves. They name Bill Gates (Harvard drop-out and Microsoft founder), Mark Zuckerberg (Harvard drop out and Facebook founder), Jan Koum (San Jose University drop out and WhatsApp Co-founder), Steve Jobs (Reed College dropout  and Apple Co-founder) and Larry Ellison (Double chief o! University of Illinois drop out and then later a Chicago University drop-out. CEO of Oracle Corporation). However these are clever people who knew more than their teachers. Unfortunately Olodos (dunces) who presume rather erroneously that they know more than their teachers and parents are opting to drop out of education. Hunger will teach them a lesson they will permanently remember!

The above listed five are what can be called the modern day founding fathers of successful drop-outism. I would briefly mention a few things about them so that we all understand in simple terms what they did. A kind of why we struck vibe from the Five Majors.

Bill Gates worked on his school’s computers from the eighth grade (1968) and was exempted from Maths classes to give him more time. He worked many long hours on codes. By the time Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard he had been programming nonstop for seven consecutive years. He had formed a Microsoft University in his mind and graduated from it with flying colours, so there was no need for Harvard and more. His parents were supportive of his plans (and so we can safely assume they were not Nigerian).

Mark Zuckerberg worked hard on his dream of setting up Facebook. He also dropped out of Harvard to do his own mission. He worked much harder and longer than any student would and it all paid off.

Jan Koum left University when he no longer could combine it with working for Yahoo as an infrastructural engineer. He left Yahoo and later worked extremely had to make a success of Whatsapp.

Steve Jobs dropped out of Reed College due to a lack of funds. He stayed back however to attend lectures while sleeping on the floors of fellow students (squatting in Uniben parlance). He kept on working hard and never stopped.

Larry Ellison dropped out of the University of Illinois due to a family bereavement. He subsequently got a job and put in the hard graft required.  

In summary, as it was with the frog doing an impression of Usain Bolt in broad day light so it was for the five majors. They were either being chased by something big or they were chasing something great. Bill Gates and  Mark Zuckerberg were chasing a dream, while Jan Koum, Steve Jobs and Larry Ellison were being chased by circumstances and home troubles. In the end they all left university and worked long and very hard persistently.

Now back to Naija. We also have five founding fathers and mothers  of University drop –inism and drive by scholarism. Bogus certificates.com, cash for honorary Doctorates.com etc etc. But no bi mai mouth you go hear say Oba no brush im teeth. Please do yua own research and find out as I no wan enta gbege for free. To put you in the right direction study Politicians and some lecturers. There are rumours abound that as their wives pile up enormous make up on their faces to the point of ojuju-fication, the Politicians also Mary Kay up their CVs to make them look like US Senators. The problem is when these people are exposed to have fake certificates that actually match their fake hair, fake accents, fake completion and fake integrity, nothing is done. They have no shame and the electorate has no memory as election season cash induces amnesia in Naija.

There is another dimension to University drop-inism and that is simply longa-throat. Those who graduate tend to have their graduation pictures splashed everywhere in the family home and might receive gifts almost akin to what one would expect on a wedding day. There are so many examples of stingy Nigerian Uncles who would suddenly get ‘delivered’ of severe thrift and dish out large monetary gifts when they hear a relative achieved a First-class. They go, ‘First class ke!? Ah-ah. Where is my cheque -book. Well done my daughter. Where is that champagne I have been saving. Ah, John, go and switch on the generator!’. The graduate gets attention and we all what attention. Some of us will seek that attention via legitimate means but some have no patience. They want the glory so they embellish their pali (certificate). The oju-kokoro practitioners observe keenly the traits, skills and qualities that gain the admiration from on lookers in society and mimic those qualities. You know the type, born dark skinned but become light skinned over night because of their perception that many men like light skinned women (Abeg help me ask dem weda dem wan marry many men able one man wey laik dia market? Wen man grab woman by 2am for darkness, how the skin colour wan help matrimonial bedroom action??Most people no dey open eye for prayer meeting and for love meeting). These greedy people want what others have gained either by the blessing of genetics or through hard work. Unfortunately they lack the genetics and will not do the work. Such people are never satisfied with themselves. The funny thing is you could have ten Phds on your CV but when you sit to talk, your words will expose you as a fraud for we don’t talk to CVs, we talk to human beings and if notin dey brain, notin go commot, CV or no CV. It is like having an air brushed picture on Facebook to cover all the craw craw and when we meet you we cannot recognize you at the party because your display picture on social media no resemble you. Abeg wear your pimples with pride and stop falsifying your facial certificate joor.

So in summary, if you are a special talent, a one in a Billion brain with opportunities to fulfil your dream and are willing to work fifteen hour days for five years straight, you can drop out. If you are Naija and you love titles, go back to school or pay for a Chieftaincy title. If however you love to Azonto once in a while and are not willing to put in too much hard work, please stay in school. Do not leave because you are bored. I promised you, an empty stomach is much more boring. Dats all

Babawilly

Dr Wilson Orhiunu

27-2-2014

Boxing

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The head is such a sensitive place. Essential gadgets abound from the eyes, to the mouth and the most important of all; the brain. Now the brain is a vital piece of technology for from it stems the desire to steal pieces of meat from the pot. Such an organ needs protection under federal law. Nature indeed protects the brain from injury with a hard encasement; the cranium. A good idea I must say. The law chips in and adds in health and safety laws which stipulate the wearing of helmets on building sites and crash helmets on motor bikes all with that noble aim of protecting the brain from injury.  With that in mind, let us discuss boxing. Can someone tell me why a man should be put in the boxing ring with the hardest puncher among the Earth’s seven billion inhabitants and be denied the comfort of a crash helmet? I tell you why? We love to protect the brain and we also love to destroy the brain in the name of recreation. Absurdities exist of men wearing crash helmets all day at work and then retiring home to relax with the aid of chemicals with proven efficacy in the area of brain damage.

Boxing springs to mind. That noble art form. A game where the pugilist is introduced to the audience by the number of brain concussion inducing punches he has thrown in previous fights.  Technical knock -outs. Now what is technical about hitting someone so hard on his centre of consciousness that he goes to sleep in public?

Duplicity is a talent which I possess. I love boxing. I grew up watching Mohammed Ali and his slogan

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee,

your hands  can’t hit what your eyes can’t see

was an essential part of my early education  (University of life). Boxing teaches so many things. Fitness, stamina, discipline and courage. These are qualities sadly lacking in so many people today. Nelson Mandela engaged in boxing in his younger years and I believe that in addition to helping him dispense of excess energy it also helped with his mental discipline. How I wish the modern African leaders all took up boxing for two hours a day. African leaders need the fitness.  I hereby move that men all over the world should start boxing. This will change the world and make it a better place. I also move that grown men should not play computer games, more so if they are out of work. That time should be best spent developing and cultivating a six pack and a ‘sweet left hook’.

Now I must confess that my relationship with boxing falls into the stop it, I like it category. As a physician, one is opposed to all manner of intentional violence, yet as a sports fan one not only wants to see the gloved human fist turned into a general anaesthetic apparatus, one also wants to join in with the referee as his swings his arm making that beautiful count to ten. Oh, the jubilant as the disoriented boxer staggers on all fours on the canvas trying in vain to retain his mouth guard and some remnant of dignity.  Yet for all the barbaric activities in the ring, it is a noble sport. No punches are thrown after the bell, punches are kept above the waist and the conduct between opponents is generally gentlemanly. Most important of all, there is no reserve bench as occurs in football. Boxing is a one man show and you just cannot signal to the bench half way during a fight pointing at your hamstrings and doing that circular motion with the hands which indicates a desire to be substituted.  This I believe teaches responsibility for one’s actions. The buck really stops on your head as a boxer. The next important thing that boxing teaches is that you only fight in same sex contests and with people in your weight catergory.

It is a vital piece of education that if fully understood will greatly reduce the fighting that occurs in homes worldwide and in various parliamentary buildings. I am not sure that women will ever want to challenge the sex discrimination that exists in the boxing ring for it exists with good reason. Men are simply physically stronger, so it would not be a contest to see men fight women but rather good old fashioned bullying, which in itself is neither entertaining nor competitive. The weight discrimination is also expedient for apart from a certain fight between a David Jesse and Goliath, size really does matter.

Boxers are thus placed in various categories which include featherweight, welterweight, and flyweights. Cruiser weights light heavy weights and heavyweights. All men should know this but they don’t.  One particular man from my village did not know about the sex or weight discrimination that should be engaged in during fights. He unfortunately spent every spare minute he had on Grand Theft Auto and Fifa 2013, computer games that taught him nothing he did not know. A Nigerian cannot be taught about stealing having read about financial crimes in the newspapers from birth. As for football, that is the National obsession. He should have been busy in the boxing  ring like Madiba  but the silly man did not box or even own a skipping rope for that matter and what a huge prize he paid for his ignorance and indolence.

It was a hot day in October and he returned home to a note that his food was in the oven. His wife had gone to see her sister who had just given birth. He took exception to this and refused to eat for he felt she should have waited for him to return, served his food before venturing out. He sent the three kids to bed and went on his games console and started jerking all limbs as he indulged his addiction.

His wife returned close to midnight and after a few angry words he slapped her across the face.

‘Ochuko you slapped me? I don suffer’

He was back on his games console and without looking up he said , ‘Go and warm up my food if you know what is good for you’.

At this point his wife sat on the floor and began to cry.

‘If you don’t shut up and I will slap that cry out of your mouth!’ he threatened.

Alas camel’s spine was fractured and his wife lost her temper. The last time she had been this angry fifteen years ago a family meeting was convened in which she was forbidden to ever lose her temper. This was many years before she met Ochuko.

‘This world is not your home, you are just passing through…’ she began to sing, as that was how she warmed up when she was ready for a fight. She too was in need of the tutelage boxing offers, for she weighed a hundred and twenty kilograms compared to Ochuko’s fourty nine kilograms.

Ochuko stood up to make good his threat and she blocked his hand like the National Judo Champion she used to be and lifted Ochuko clean off the ground narrowly missing the swirling blades of the ceiling fan. She held him as if asking God if He recognised the imposter she had found in her house. God remained silent and so she decided to bring him down forcefully on the glass coffee table which scattered into a thousand pieces sharp debris. Their flat shook and the children ran out. They caught a glimpse of mummy picking up a concussed daddy by the belt and collar and flinging him across the living room straight to the flat screen television. The sound produced was a mixture of scattering glass, a minor electrical explosion and human suffering. Ochuko slumped to the floor and blood came forth from both nostrils and mouth.

‘Mummy, leave dad alone!’ the kids cried out but when mummy looked up and met their eyes, they all fled and hid under their beds in the room. The rats and cockroaches picked up the scent of fear and asked the kids why they went out black and returned Caucasian for they were that pale and sweaty with fright. They told the tale and the rats and roaches fled next door soon to be followed by the mosquitoes. Hell had descended on the flat. By now mummy was shouting at the top of her voice.

‘Ochuko is killing me o! Somebody help me o!’

The kids went back to see daddy’s miraculous turnaround in this clash of the domestic Titans but it was a ploy. Mummy was also in the drama group many years back in University and she had skills. They watched her crying loudly while she lifted Ochuko into the air, this time connecting with the ceiling fan for they saw a shoe fly across the room. Luckily Ochuko’s foot was not amputated. His wife threw him across the room crashing into the aquarium.

‘Shebi you like fish eh. Delta man. Ogbaje man. Mammi water idiot. Marine spirit devil. Nonsense man!’ she screamed and Ochuko laid flat on his back surrounded by jumping fish fighting for their lives on the carpet. 

The neighbours by now had almost broken down the door. Mildred, for that was Ochuko’s wife’s name tore her blouse , calmly walked over to Ochuko and scooped blood off his face and applied it to her face and chest. She then collapsed on the floor.

When the neighbours broke through, Ochoko had to save face. He stood up like a drunk  surfer  on choppy waters  totally disorientated and was shouting, ‘Hold me o! Hold me! I will kill this woman today’. The men held him back and the women covered Mildred up and took her next door.

The good news is Ochuko only spent two weeks in hospital and has since started his daily boxing classes. Another family meeting was convened behind closed doors and Mildred got a strong telling off from her family. Ochuko found out during that meeting that Mildred had won a Commonwealth Silver medal in Judo back in the day.

Babawilly

Dr Wilson Orhiunu

2-2-2014

I might as well put it in writing (Waiting for June 12)

I might as well put it in writing (Waiting for June 12)

18 January 2014 at 08:04

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(Babawilly-Dr Wilson Orhiunu)

I might as well put it in writing my darling, I might as well put pen to paper my love. My reasons are simple, you can read. And to that great insight, I add that just like the elephant, you never forget. In addition to that similarity I would venture to say that your footprints have left an indelible mark. I know that there are cynics out there who will say ‘she walks all over him’ on reading this, but just look at me. Since you walked into my life, things have never been the same.  My life has improved a hundred fold.

Now it is written, this becomes an everlasting testament to the intrinsic forces that drive me and thereby induce gratification seeking behaviours of the sporting kind.

Every arrow has a target and so does this letter. Chinua Achebe told it well when he said that the tortoise invited to the party in the sky claimed the food served him and his fellow guests was for ‘All of us’. Like the great man, I too say this freshly made hot epistle is served from me to ‘all of you’. To my Achebe quote, I add a bit of Iyanya to embellish my thoughts and words. Yes, this written affidavit is for ‘All my ladies’. My wife, daughters, my mother, nieces and all female in laws; alas! a great company of beautiful women. I would not even mind if my male friends borrow a leaf from this epistle for their personal use. Sharing after all is caring.

Now to the matter at hand (no puns intended), I have come to realise that repeating myself is not in keeping with my nature as I am not one of those athletics commentators who take delight in telling the world over and over again that a track and field record which stood for 200 years has just been broken. Just like the wedding vows, I like to keep it brief. ‘I do’ and that’s all.

That is how I roll. All those who need to hear things thirty times before they comprehend meaning and truth can ask for copies of the wedding video. So in truth, what I write is reference material for all my ladies, internationally.

You see my beloved, we are in a world cup year. A year so special that I have tactically changed the TV set and turned the furniture around to accommodate it. I have booked 4 weeks annual leave and I need everyone to be in no doubt as to what will be happening during that tournament. June 12 means something to my Nigerians, so I know you will remember this date. (Any Nigerian who forgets  the  Maradona United Versus Abiola Babes final for the Aso Rock Cup deserves to loose their citizenship) Tell everyone, on land, water and in the sky that Anita Ward (Ring my bell; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kU9faERbno0) is not on my play list come June 12 when Brazil takes on Croatia.

I shall not be available for any activities whatsoever 1 hour before and after every game. (I might be partial to a bit of post  match romantic cheering up if the results are not to my liking, so I implore you in advance to consider putting your good offices to therapeutic use when the time comes). I will not be taking any phone calls or attending to any emergencies, both medical and otherwise.

Anybody with plans of celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, or promotions should do it around my time table if they view my presence there as important. As for bereavements, there is a rumour doing the rounds that the grim reaper has promised the pope a three week death amnesty to avoid funerals during the games in Brazil. (Please don’t quote me). 

For the said period, I would eat meals that do not require me looking to see what goes where. No complicated meals like pounded yam and ogbono soup or 5 course dinners. No my love. It will have to be single independent entities like Pizza, roasted corn or pieces of chicken. I say this for my eyes would be in Brazil through the wonderful miracle of Satellite television while my body will still remain in my chair.

I may not shower during this period but do not be dismayed. I toyed with the idea of a portable loo in the living room just in case, but I suppose, that can wait till half time. I would be all yours after the cup has been given to the victors in the final game. However I must add a caveat to that. Should Nigeria win the coveted cup, I would be moving back to the land of my forefathers to celebrate for 3 straight months.

I already know what you are thinking. What is it with twenty two men chasing a ball all over the park? I will set the record straight on this solemn day. That way all may know and fully understand the importance of football.

First and foremost, it is not just chasing after the ball. It is more than that. However, the chase is important as well. Where would man be without chasing? We run for office don’t we? We chase contracts. But beyond the chase, football my dear is a metaphor for life. A dramatization of its ups and downs, played out in 90 minutes with an interval for those with weak bladders called the half time. This drama joins all men together in brotherhood. We see ourselves on the field of play. The one who has received queries at work for the umpteenth time really understands the yellow card flashed at a player and shortly after he rejoices in the red card shown. At least he has not been sacked from his job yet and in seeing a miserable player walking sadly to the bench, solace is generated in the heart. Seeing others suffer what we fear might happen to us is redemptive.

 The corrupt politician is afforded a rare privilege to scream at the injustice of a referee awarding a penalty to a player who dived. The armed robber is torn asunder with indignation when a player guides the ball into the net with his hands and thereby display what is that lowest of all human despicable character traits; the suppression of a conscience for personal gain. In a way these criminals see their lives flash before their hypocritical eyes on the field of play and who knows what redemption might be born in their hearts of granite?

My darling, men love a fight. A contest. A war. Life is what it is. The fiercely contested battle is the stuff of legends. In the arena of battle humans beings twist and turn, display  lightening speed, acrobatic alacrity, aplomb on the pass and poise in the ball control. Things lacking in men’s lives are experienced by belonging to a team full of talented heroes. We are able to enjoy the euphoria of scoring improbably goals by belonging to the team. We dress like the team, clap for the team and wave at the team. Well we belong but don’t get tackled by the opposition, at least not physically. The opposing fans sing songs aimed at our weaknesses. In the stadium we are kids in the play ground once again without a mortgage to think of.  We sit in the stadium excited and kicking at the ball in reflex action as if we were on the field of play. I once had a patient who strained his neck as he headed a phantom ball as he watched the corner kick being taken. He was one with the striker. Yes my love, he was so willing to see that ball cross the white line he jerked his neck like he was in a seizure. We are one with the team, and it is a beautiful thing when the whole world is one with a team.  Why do I feel you are not convinced?  Maybe I should get personal. You see my dear; I was born with two balls. (Just like Charles Miller who returned to Brazil in 1894 with two balls and introduced a country to the beautiful game) They move in tandem and help me see the light. My sight is owed to two eyeballs. When ever I see a football in the center circle just before kick off, I think of an all seeing eye with a pupil in its middle. An eye similar in morphological appearances to my first source of sustenance, for I was indeed breast fed as a child. Who can escape his or her childhood? Who can break free from the shackles or blessings of early family life? My fate was sealed before I cut my first tooth. I will forever love to gaze at that sphere full of wind that men love to play with.   The whistle goes and they kick the ball. Life starts afresh at that moment. Do we not say of things regenerated that they have been kick started? At a kick, all fear, all pain and sadness evaporates and gets carried in the wind right out of the stadium. The round ball in flight reminds me of the planet we live on going round the sun. Imagine this ball of sand and stones going 60 thousand miles an hour around the sun and rotating at a thousand miles per hour at the same time. And you thought you were the only one who could multi-task on the planet. I have seen balls twist and turn in wondrous ways as they sojourn from the free kick spot to the back of the net. God bless the guy who invented slow motion.  There is nothing more beautiful than a ball in flight. No I lie, for even more beautiful is when that ball’s flight is stopped, suddenly halted by the quivering goal post net and the madness starts. The crazy rejoicing at a goal achieved. Just like the birth of a child or the liberation of an oppressed people, the joy is pure poetry. The fan as he raises his hands in victory is speaking to his dreams unconsciously. ‘I will overcome and celebrate my personal goals being achieved one day’ he says by his actions. All cultures celebrate a goal with the same smiles, squinted eyes and raised hands for all men and women are wired to celebrate achieved goals.

So let us get back to my life. Dad was a referee and later a football fan. He watched IICC Shooting Stars and Enugu Rangers and appeared happiest after a match was won. So the link between sporting success and domestic bliss was sheared into my formative mind. I went on to attend St Finbarrs college, Akoka and some of the senior students notably Stephen Keshi and Henry Nwosu went on to play for the National side. I watched them train daily for the Principal’s cup during the football season and that leaves a mark. I did ok academically at school but there were things I picked up that have stayed with me to date and were not written on my O level certificate. The music and dance during debating society invitational events, the record quizzes, the pride felt winning the Principal’s cup, Father Slattery’s high moral standards, and going past the students of University of Lagos daily and vowing to be one of them one day. Most importantly, I picked up a fascination with our ‘sister school’ Our Ladies of Apostles. It was almost an official requirement to fancy a girl in that school and I fancied Isabel. The biggest crush a teenager could have. She was my apostle and I was her convert. How can I forget that literary and debating society event at their school in which Isabel took part in the fashion parade? (Na today? A certain Will in this UK marry wife wey him see for fashion parade) She cat walked to the tune We’ve got the funk by Positive Force; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BjtgdNSyxs.

Let us just say I have never recovered. She was the picture of African beauty and my cerebral hemispheres just took flight and left my head for  romantic asylum on planet Venus. Did I ask her out? Did I tell her how my teenage heart ached and yearned? No, i did not. I was much too shy and feared her rejection. We all had such a morbid fear of rejection that we called the process ‘nailing’. No one willingly puts his body at risk of being nailed through by a girl whose hammer was her beauty. What has all this got to do with football?? I will tell you my darling.

When that doddering striker is in the six yard box refuses to shoot or pass the ball while the whole stadium sensing the opportunity bays for a shot. When he hesitates till the opposing defender dispossesses him of his chance and clears the ball, when we all crouch down holding our heads at the lost opportunity, it is not just the goal that slipped away we mourn. We lament the Isabels in our lives. We regret the examinations failed for lack of effort. The business opportunities missed for lack of foresight and courage; diamonds that slipped away. Suddenly  we straighten up our backs and linger no more on the lost opportunity for the game must go on. The referee blows for a goal kick and hope is rekindled. There are things in life we lose due to our indecision and lack of courage. That has to be dramatized on the field of play, so we learn and failing that, we take solace in the fact that we are not the only ones with missed opportunities. There is always another chance. The tide always changes, so we wait. No matter the score at half time we never go home. We wait. We learn hope. We sing songs of victory when we are 3 goals down. That is faith, believing that results will improve and our aspirations will be realised. Now you know why so many unfit men are never inspired to get fit watching soccer players all day. We never see them; we just see our peculiar circumstances on the field of play. (Unlike all my ladies who feel fat whenever they watch models on TV).

The funny thing is most attacks do not lead to a goal. The striker just spits, shrug his shoulders, scratches his groin and moves on. Taking about groins, last week a player took a ferocious shot in the groin and collapsed. Everybody in the stadium dropped their hands to their groins to protect their testis. That is being one with the game. We all feel the pain.

Imagine if space women came over from Venus to some famine ravished worn torn corner of the globe and they asked to be shown what earthlings consider as sports. Which arena would they be pointed to? The Hunger games? The war games? No no no. It will be to the beautiful game. Did we not sing He has got the world in his hands in Sunday school? That is what I remember when a goal keeper cradles the ball. Our collective hearts reach out  as if to say, ‘please don’t drop it’. ‘God will never let the earth drop down so please don’t drop our hopes and dreams’.

I think I have made all the points I need to make. I am sure you want me to be a guy who never gives up till the very end. Do you not desire a perfect gentleman with restraint in all things and who is in control of his all his faculties? You would love a guy that can be controlled by a whistle or a whisper. One who does not chicken out of taking big decisions just because he is afraid of hearing you say ‘I told you so’ if the decision turns out badly. Well, that is why I must watch soccer for the full 90 minutes and extra time if need be. That is why I must endure the emotional and psychological high stakes of a penalty shoot- out that can send one country into ecstasy and another into despair with just one miss. I need to learn how to take my own penalty kicks in life. I know what you are thinking. That you also need a guy with a six pack and that perhaps I should pick tips from the games I watch.   Frankly my dear if you need a six pack, go to the gym and get one yourself. Life is so mysterious and full of unanswered questions. India has 1.2 Billion people and China has 1.3 Billion citizens yet they cannot produce eleven guys to win the World Cup. I will be contemplating that till June, so if you see me thinking, don’t ask me to tell you what is on my mind because I am telling you now.

It is a World cup year and these are my final words. Please train the bin on how to take itself out on Tuesday nights ready for collection or just take it out yourself. Do not disturb me during the World cup.

I want peace but should you ignore this letter, then I will move into a hotel with the guys for the world cup games and you will be paying the mortgage for June and July 2014. (Perhaps you might need to pay for August and September if Nigeria wins).

I love all my ladies and I promise to put my ladies first in everything I do after I hear that final whistle on the 13th of July at the Estadio do Maracana, Rio de Janeiro.  You will always be beautiful to me but please know that there is room in my heart for two beautiful things. There is space for you and there is space for the game. 

 If Nigeria wins eh!!!!!

The Glutton's Visit

Happy at departure

Though hungry at arrival

The pot’s so so empty

Poor  host is suicidal

Please visit no more!

Hospitality annulment!

Poverty on the horizon

He ate down to my last cent

Inviting an elephant disguised as a gazelle?

My hands hold the mountainous blame

He shovelled salt on every morsel

Chewing at speed with no hint of shame

More than food

He ate our joy

Perpetually famished

He nibbled at our dreams

There was no grace in his belches

He criticised all the plans that we told him

I rejoiced to see that guest go

Family now hungry, angry, sad and slim

Dr Wilson Orhiunu

Babawilly

18/5/16

Stealing

Stealing

10 March 2014 at 12:29

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Asking people to define stealing is no different from asking them all to pose on quick sand for a group photograph. Everyone is reluctant to respond and when they eventually do, they sink into a self- contradicting mode. For some, what is left behind after the ‘acquisition’ determines if a theft has occurred. For instance in a warehouse containing two million mangoes, the worker who pockets five for the kids has not stolen. What he took will barely be missed. This logic is applied to unlawfully ‘taking’ from rich individuals, corporations and governments. If di change plenti  den mek poor man chop im own. Notin spoil. Hence illegal down loading of movies and music is alright because they (the corporations) are making billions anyway. Pirate copies abound of any product you can think of. The pirates feel they are making cheaper products available to the masses and the masses love cheaper products. Let di big men dem buy dia originals.
Surely this is wrong for we all know what stealing is. People everywhere will give a definition fit for the occasion but their attitudes betray them. For some ‘taking’ it before someone else is being sharp. It was destined to go anyway, so no burden of conscience there. Dat is the auditory anaesthetic statement applied liberally in Naija. Everybody dey chop, so yu too chop up and neva   dull up. Finally, what the ‘taker’ does with what has been taken affects how some define his actions. If some of the gains are repatriated into sections of the community, then the individual becomes a proud son of the soil and his people will not call him a thief but a hero.  He buys the local monarch a big car, ‘settles’ the area boys, buys a chieftaincy title and all is well.  Di man don try for us well well o.
Stealing is a crime and crime does not pay. It is a Trillion Dollar industry that does not pay? Peoples in every country are stealing daily and justifying themselves.  Only one per cent of the population will steal from people intentionally (as opposed to opportunistically)with the use of violence but when an opportunity arises with little risk of being caught, such as money lying in a wallet on the floor, 60-80% will pocket the cash. If stealing is given another name, then the number could raise as high as 90%. Using office supplies and telephone lines for personal use is stealing but many don’t think so.
Before striking, people do a quick costs -benefit analysis in which they compare the risks of being caught and the nature of punitive actions that might be meted out versus the pleasure they would derive from satisfying their greed or yielding to temptation.  Where institutions make stealing easy, then people steal. Such institutions have an unwritten code by which business is done. All stalk holders are ‘settled’ and you keep what you have ‘taken’. A pre-emptive Kola-nut can be served to local powers that be to make sure that the law is not enforced on an unwilling citizen.  People respect institutions and role models. If these institutions turn a blind retina in the face of stealing then the thief is en powered to carry on with his illegal tendencies. It is my humble opinion that nobody is born a thief and even though harsh societal pressures i.e. penury or intense ambition can make some individuals take what is lawfully not theirs by way of purchase or inheritance, it is the institutions of family, community, law enforcement agencies and law courts that shape the individual in his formation.  They all affect the calculations of his personal risk benefit ratio i.e. to steal or not to steal. So much has been written about Naija’s stolen government money. How it has hampered development and denied a generation the infrastructure needed to thrive. If society stops lauding people who have stolen government money and if the police becomes effective in arresting fraud suspects, then that will bring a change to how people look at stealing. For instance, a man on a monthly salary of N500K a should be embarrassed to pose with a car worth millions in front of his mansion in a glossy magazine especially when he has no other means of livelihood save his salary. If community leaders steal and flaunt the proceeds in the full view of the next generation, then the future becomes dark.
Make what you may of this but Fela’s song- Authority Stealing (1980) insinuated that it was wrong to use the position of power accorded by a white collared job or high powered political post to steal funds. Authority stealing pass armed robbery.
In recent times we have heard songs like Yahozee, Maga don pay and I go chop your dollar, all obtuse references to advance fee fraud perpetrated via the internet. If music is a barometer of public sensibilities, then one could assert that the era of the beautification of area boy and area thief is really upon us.
Seems everyone complains about politicians stealing money and natural resources in Africa (yes o. Not just cash but crude oil, gold , diamonds and even yams have all been stolen from mother earth), yet we laugh when we are blood relatives of these same thieves. Sontin muss touch mai hand. In the same vein, any relative with an opportunity to chop, who doesn’t on account of moral principles becomes the village fool. Principles count for nothing when cash is involved. See yua chance and take am.
A friend complained to me about problems he was having at work. He was driving down one of Lagos streets, not the best place to hear someone whinge as traffic was moving like pregnant snails. The brand new Range Rover with its soft leather comforts that looked like an air-conditioned heaven on the inside and purgatory on the outside helped to focus my mind as we drove through a traffic situation best described as Hell. ‘That man does not want to ‘play ball’. We will deal with him o!’ said my friend. He spoke about a colleague refusing to inflate a contract so that all the boys can see sontin chop. Looking at my friend, you would not believe he was the mass servant with the angelic voice of our childhood. He had made his name in field of honesty by returning money found in the playground to the class teacher even though we told him it was money for Goody-goody. Of course the teacher pocketed the cash. But that was Timi for you. Honest to a fault (in our young eyes). Now he was an office thief. What had transformed Lucifer, the Star of the Morning assembly into the angel of darkness; Satan the evil one? Pride? The need to beta pass mai neighbour? Or just plain environmental and institutional factors? Surely the chap at workdisturbing is a product of the same society.
Timi’s complaints didn’t end there. His wife has been inflating chop moni costs and asking for money to service her car when nothing is wrong with the car. His drivers falsify petrol costs. The children sef inflate the costs of their books and keep on asking for school fees almost convincing that schools now have six terms. A relative had begged for cash to treat his tuberculosis with imported drugs. This treatment went on for one year, till he found out there was no tuberculosis in his relative’s lungs, but rather an infection of evil ingenuity in his heart. The poor chap with the phantom TB had a big quarrel with his wife over moni (you guessed right) and she rang Timi to report her husband.  She now hated his stealing twelve months down the line. She however did not abhor stealing when she was getting her cut.
The last story almost made us crash the car. He called his second son a ‘born thief’. Aged four months he shared his parent’s bed. One night his wife work up startled and violently shook his shoulder. She began to accuse him. ‘Thief wey I marry. See as my right breast flat. Yu don drink all the milk. Wetin Junior go drink now’. Timi looked at the bulging stomach of his son and called his son a thief and a liar for implicating him in the breast milk bunkering. ‘Yu tief sotey, yu come tief wetin bi yua property’ he said reprimanding his son. His wife did not believe him (You know women and their sons). Junior had drunk the right breast empty when everyone was asleep and told his mum it was daddy that stole the milk.
Timi said God saved him by making Junior vomit all the milk he had ‘taken’. That was his defence. We laughed all the way home and on arrival ate dinner out of plates bought by stolen money in his large house which was his official ‘spoils of war’. The TV was large, digital and obscene. We ate sweet stolen food as we watched Brad Pitt et al steal in Ocean’s Eleven. (Wetin man go do. If yu visit white collared tief and he offer yu food, yu go chop nau. Abi?).
May those who have stolen Naija’s cash suddenly vomit it up. So help us God


Babawilly

Dr Wilson Orhiunu

10-3-2014

Bishop David Oyedepo should be made a Degree course

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Why do we go to university? I have listened to a few clever people and here is what some of them have said.

1. To learn things that will improve us as individuals
2. To learn things that will give us the skills to learn more things at a later date i.e. make one educable.
3. Acquire specific skills to aid the fulfillment of professional roles in society such as teaching, engineering or Banking.
4. Provide the country with a work force that enables it to compete with the rest of the world.

University education should teach people to think and that only happens when good teachers meet good learners. That exchange of knowledge is so important to any society. The old will surely die one day but before they leave they deposit their pearls of wisdom and knowledge in the young. This gift of knowledge should help the recipient recognize problems, articulate them clearly, brain storm and finally solve them. If a country is stuck in that nebulous place where unwanted things get repeated in a daily, yearly or four yearly cycle, you do wonder if the education being received is understood. Education cannot be divorced from the country where training is being given. It should equip the student with more than technical information. How does one succeed in Nigeria with so much technical information crowned with a certificate? The problems of bad roads, poor electric supply and insecurity have been discussed for so many hours that rather than sounding intelligent, these discussions that contains so many big words accumulated from foreign universities actually sound unintelligent.
Many blame the Nigerian factor. An invisible force that makes nothing work and corruption thrive. My question is this. How has the telecommunication industry managed to put a phone in the hands of so many Nigerians? I was once stopped by a beggar in Lagos who I showed my money and apologized for lack of change. He brought out a mobile phone and asked someone to bring down some change.  This is proof of the now ubiquitous presence of mobile phones. Now compare this to the days of Nitel. Next question is how come Governor Fashola of Lagos appears to be ‘working?’ How come the dreaded Nigerian Factor did not hamper the above examples? What about the music and film industry? There must be something that works for Nigeria and all these examples need to be studied.
So why not study the Presiding Bishop of Living Faith Church worldwide aka Winners Chapel; Bishop David Oyedepo? He sits at the helm of a large organisation that appears to be growing without the usual African tonic of foreign aid and expatriate workers. I watch their services on line early on Sunday mornings and they start as advertised. That bursts the myth of African time. The ministry is a growing entity and has established schools and universities. What is the secret? Their ministry is a Christian one and it will be too simplistic to just say that it is the blessing of God making the ministry grow. From comments on social media, he has many detractors and I am not writing this to woo them over, neither am I on a mission to recruit new members for his church. I am just saying that success in a place with a reputation for failure needs to be examined.
From my observations-
David Oyedepo works hard for long hours
Is a problem solver
Is a patriotic Nigerian who has a vision.  He claims that the universities he founded would compete with the best universities in the world. I found this particularly inspiring having grown up in Nigeria during military rule. That was a time when the leadership of the country had no respect, regard or ambition for Nigerian education.
He watches no day time television as he claims to be too busy to spend precious time watching busy people.
He writes books and through the ministry’s printing facility has been able to make books affordable to members of his congregation.
The ministry is well organised.
He tells his congregation that he expects them to be world class players in whatever sector of the economy they work.
The question is why should all these be happening in Nigeria and where was the Nigerian factor when all the above were happening?
I visited Winners Chapel aka Canaan land in Ota for the Sunday morning service on 26-9-2010 with my friend Mr Enate Ogedegbe and was quite surprised at what I saw. After the service we drove around Covenant University and went to get something to eat. I saw the students and they were quite respectful. The university had an ambiance that was conducive for learning. Why? When we see things that are organised in a place famed for disorder we need to ask why. The answer can then be applied to every other sphere of Nigerian life.
Another thing that I have noticed is that the Bishop’s wife does not appear to throw her weight around even though she is one of the most powerful women in the country by virtue of her position and the strength of the churches' population. Why?
Education is all about developing curiosity. The Nigerian students should all ask why? Why a thriving Nollywood, why kidnappers and armed robbers, why 419ers, and why Winner’s Chapel? The answer can then be used as a template for what to avoid (as in the case of 419ers) and to emulate and reproduce as is the case for Bishop David Oyedepo and his ministry.


Dr Wilson Orhiunu
Babawilly

26-6-2014