Finished Product Disease

Finished Product Disease

September 13, 2016

Email: babawill2000@gmail.com Twitter: @Babawilly

Finished Product Disease (FPD) is a mental illness you would not find classified in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association because I made the illness up.

I define it as a mental disorder in which a person desires a favourable outcome or product but has no interest in the processes that cause raw materials to become finished articles. The incidence of this malady is one hundred per cent in humans but zero in Vulcans (Star Trek make believe people) who are logical in all their thought processes.

FPD is what makes a man view Arnold Schwarzenegger in the documentary film Pumping Iron and rather than drive to his local gym opts for a trip to the plastic surgeon for biceps and calf implants. In a world where everyman is a consumer, many think that everything is a product for sale.

I recall a guy who returned from a party and immediately started berating his lady for not looking as slim and well-groomed as the other ladies who had been in attendance. When the shouting match was over she told him the ladies in question had been recipients of gastric by-pass and liposuction operations which cost quite a bit. On hearing the cost of a low weight in advancing years he apologised and vowed to “love the adiposity that wobbles rhythmically”.

Soup wey sweet na money kill am, so it is imperative for guys to know the prize of any glittering thing that catches the eye.

Babies and young children are excused from scrutiny as we expect them to cry for anything they see which looks pleasing to them. An adult however is expected to know the value of nice things and ask himself if he is willing to go through what it takes to make nice things available for his or her pleasure. A wise person who is not aware of the cost will ask discreet questions of those who know and think hard about the answers obtained.

I remember eating dinner on a particular night and it suddenly occurred to me that the yams that will peel themselves and fly into the pot had not been invented. The work of planning and making dinner sometimes starts three hours before one sits at the table.

Not being home during a meal’s preparation can slowly induce Finished Product Disease especially if the maker of the meal is tidy and cleans up all evidence of hard work. It almost appears as if the yam pottage made itself.

There is no risk of FPD with an untidy chef though. Yam peelings on the floor, Maggi cube wrappers and onion peelings decorating the work top tell you someone has been cooking. The unwashed pots and dirty cooker are also vaccines against FPD where food preparation is concerned. Only a brave man will ask, ‘why is everywhere so filthy?’, for what usually follows is a long angry diatribe that involves how women suffer, slavery, insensitive men, attempted homicide through domestic chores, the lack of a home help, etc, etc. With such people, even a glass of water from them must be taken with great gratitude; for peace sake.

The accomplished in any field will perform to a very high standard and at the same time make it look absolutely effortless; for years of practice chisels talent into great spectacles. This ease of execution is what makes people look at a Michael Jackson video and turn up the next week to audition for a talent contest on national TV. They soon find out that a Star and Pen torch produce light but with diferring brilliance.

Look before you leap

Pertinent questions must be asked when we encounter greatness of any kind.

“I too can do it” might be a true statement for you but it might take you five years or even another lifetime to achieve the ambitious emulation.

The deluded always think everything good they see is for them and the world is full of these people. That is why politicians vying for office promise ‘un-deliverables’ and people don’t bother to ask what will be the process or method to actualise all the ambitious promises. They clap and hope for a miracle rather than think. These same people soon start cursing the politician when the inevitable happens. What they forget is that the politician studied them and arrived at the conclusion that FPD was endemic in the electorate and all he had to do was reel out a list of ‘finished products’ that will appear automatically once he is sworn into office.

Sweet nothings tickle both the personal and national ears, inducing euphoric great expectations and give a false and heady hope. But like big tasty chewing gum, the sweetness soon fades and all you are left with are bubble gum bubbles full of hot air.

The biggest cohort of FPD sufferers can however be found among thieves. If they like it, they just take it by any means necessary. Countries invade weaker nations in land grabbing exercises, men steal money and valuables from others at gun point; the list is endless. These thieves see no reason in working hard and waiting for a wage. They care not for process and must satisfy their appetites on demand. I guess that is why the Police was invented.

I am not too sure if FPD is involved in husband-snatching. I guess further research is required.