All My Bobos (Guys)
Every man has male figures in his life and I am no
exception. I have gentlemen in my real world and others in the social media
world. This article is about my Facebook male friends and I have about eight
hundred of them. I will start with the players identifiable by the mismatch
between their age and photographs on display. The size of their belly betrays
them to be husbands on the receiving end of the marital pounded yam for no less
than twenty years yet they only post pictures of themselves alone and declare
‘single’ as their marital status. These wedding ring free uncles behave as if
Pfizer invented Viagra for their sole benefit. They roam Facebook fishing for
young blood daily. Dia rez God o!
As always, just like Pareto postulated, 80% of the drama you
see would be generated by only 20% of your Facebook Bobos. These are my
observations on the drama kings.
Show Business
Every male in now in show business it seems. On social media,
while the ladies project beauty and the men project importance and what quicker
way is there to show your importance than by standing next to an important
brand (shebi vultures of a feather flock together). Hence our eyes are
bombarded with numerous selfies with stars, expensive cars and private jets. I
sometimes wonder if these private jets are air borne sef.
Being photographed with items of luxury or men of power is
entertaining to the on lookers but it really means nothing. Ironically it
proves that you are not a man of power. How come Bill Gates never posts selfies
from his private plane? These by- force show biz types reminds me of that
proverb about the marriage between that compatible couple; Miss Empty Vessel
and Mr Noise.
Ego
The male has an urge to look successful. So we get
photographic evidence of a high sperm count, an ability to attract a comely
mate and a high bank balance daily. Madam don born o! Pictures are usually in
an expensive looking hospital. How come we never see the millions of babies
born in Maternity homes on Facebook? The answer? These Facebook pictures are not announcements of births, no.
They are displays of affluence and the projection of the male ego. Any man who
inboxes me for a loan to help pay off his debts accrued from having his baby in
the USA will be blocked from my Facebook friends list for life
I no fine?
Everyone is now a movie star. Air brushed flawless skin,
grey hair blackened and pot belly air brushed away. Na wa o. Since when did the
guys join the ladies in wanting to look beautiful? The over packaging na wa. Handkerchiefs
prolapsing out of jacket pockets is the order of the day now. The movies stars
and musicians are now being given a run for their money, at least in the
packaging department. But we know sha, it is just effizzi. You guys are not
stars at all. Don’t let the ‘likes’ deceive you. People will hail- Boss, My
MOG, E no get Part 2, My Oga, Beautiful!
All na game. When the microphone or football is passed around na that
time you go know say Whizz Kid and Mikel Obi are stars respectively and you are
just a candle. Kontinue.
Any man wey bleach will be blocked from my Facebook for
life.
Dressing young
Ah! Uncle please study Davido’s picture. When he wears a
belt with his jeans we can see the buckle. You are wearing a tight designer T
shirt and jeans with a designer D&G belt but your belle don drop come cover
the beauty of the buckle. Please borrow body magic from madam. Not Movie Magic
o, Body magic, abi deafness don join your bad taste in clothes?
Something to hide
Some guys have something to hide abeg. You know them.
Scriptures all over their wall for the last two years. No dad or mum’s birthday
or memorial. No girlfriend, no wife. We dey suspect una.
Then you have these Chelsea for life people. The whole wall
is Chelsea. Ok, we know you are Chelsea for life but does that exempt you from
having a life? Una dey hide something. The same applies to all these Man U for
lifers too. No graduation picture, no family shots nothing. And when you chat
back when they send their – Good day sir –greetings, these guys don’t even know
Lee Sharpe, George Best or Mats Busby. How can you say you are Man U for life
at thirty years of age and you only know Rooney and Sir Alex Ferguson? Olodo!
Nouveau riche and
flaunting
Bros, we join you to thank
God for bringing you out of poverty but e don do na. Must we continue to
thank God with you for every new car (even hire purchase sef), new suit and
even new pot of soup? E do na. Let us thank God for others abeg. These are the
guys whose oldest picture is 18 months old and they have no relative on their
page because na only dem get money for village. They are ashamed of their past
and all their relatives. It is not a crime in itself to break out of poverty, it is actually inspirational. However when you
try too hard to distance yourself from your past, you start to look like a sky
scrapper in Dubai. Bright, shiny and new but devoid of history or meaning. Bros
yu get sontin to hide abeg.
Scrubs.
Please listen to TLC’s song. Front seat passenger taking
selfies and trying to holla at us on social media. Bros, buy your own car.
Selfie’s in your friend’s living room but you omit to title the picture
appropriately. We sabi una. Passenger in another man’s private jet and you are
taking more selfie’s than the owner. Kontinue.
Mr Romantic
Ok. We have a good memory. You love her. E do, let’s move on
to national issues or football gist. We don’t need reminding. Once a year on your
anniversary is more than enough. Ah ah!
Holiday Father
Ok, we have seen it. You are on the beach living it up while
we are slaving away in an airless office; you have made your point.
Christianity Bashers
I fear these ones. Anything happens in Nigeria; they run to
Facebook and scream, ‘where is the Church?’ They expect churches to run the
economy, build infrastructure, stop armed robbery and educate all citizens.
When I become a Pastor the same ones will hate me and my Doro wife for being
Doro Pretty by embezzling tithes and offering. Please note that we are Doro
pretty now! I unfollow these Pastor haters.
Argumentative
political analyser
Comes to Facebook for a war. You know the type. Oppressed by
madam at home, oppressed by boss at work and too broke and lacking in charm to
attract a fine girl for an affair. Facebook is his outlet and he rains curses
on all politicians and anyone who disagrees with his views. Mr Angry, buy madam
flowers and be nice to her. She may give you a rub down and chase your demons
away
419 Bobos
Custom auction for seized goods. Executive beggars always
running out of credit while in
importance meetings. Hackers of my friends’ pages needing a quick loan of four
hundred thousand Naira because the ATM card fell down a well. All of you guys
eh, my prayer is for you is that your right testicle rotates twelve times till
it dies and drops off. Shout Amen!!
Disclaimer
Any resemblance between the characters I have mentioned above
and my humble self is purely a coincidence.
